Today I failed.
I failed on numerous levels, but there’s one fail I’m the least proud of. I listened to my depression’s lie.
First: some background. As many of you may be aware, I am currently living out of a tent in the wilderness as a counselor and leader for an archaeology camp (I have no background in archaeology, but that’s a story for another post). We’ve been setting up the camp since Wednesday, and the kids arrive tomorrow. Today we tried to fill up our giant water tank on wheels (a US military trailer cast-off in the aftermath of the Vietnam war), only to discover it had sprung a leak. To fix it, we would need to drain it, so I went to turn it around (ever tried to 3-point turn a trailer with 2,000 pounds of water inside using a 10 passenger van?) and got it stuck. Here’s a picture:
It’s so far into the brush because I had to take the van off the road to have room to turn it around (to take this picture, my back is against an out building). As soon as the van left the gravel, the back tires lost all traction (never try to off-road a 10-passenger van). To regain traction, I pulled farther forward, getting me more and more stuck. In summary: I fucked up.
Fucking up sucks. Especially when you have depression, because it becomes a way bigger deal than it should be. To fix the problem, we had to unhitch the trailer, pull the van forward around some trees and back onto the road, then winch the trailer back to where it could be re-hitched. Not too much work. But not only was my pride hurt (I guess that’s the toxic masculinity telling me my self-worth is directly related to my skill at backing a trailer), but I felt incredibly guilty for creating more work for my co-workers. I must have apologized too many times, or looked too dejected or something, because my boss and my coworkers must have reassured me a dozen times that it wasn’t that big of deal, vehicles get stuck all the time, especially when trying to use vans with shitty worn-down road tires the way we do. It ruined my whole afternoon, and I couldn’t shake it off. The old toxic thoughts of low self-worth were back again, because I listened to my depression.
My depression told me my coworkers resented me for creating extra work.
My depression told me I was worthless because I couldn’t complete a basic task.
My depression told me that if anyone else tried the same maneuver they would have done it differently and succeeded.
These are all lies; anyone else would have done the same thing I did. But I listened to the lies and got myself down.
Anyway, I’m excited for the first group of participants to get here and to start with the digging! This is middle school week, which is always interesting because middle schoolers lack a certain sense of self-preservation that is pretty important out here in the wilderness. I once had to tackle a kid to stop him from chasing after a rattlesnake!
Hopefully I can get a chance to post some more, and get some more pictures up! I’ll leave you with a picture of the archaeology lab, where artifacts are identified and sorted. It’s also the out building I was up against when I took a picture of the water trailer.
Oh yeah, I also have this neat picture of a spider eating a horsefly (maybe don’t look if you have arachnophobia)
Now I’m going to bed, we’ll see if my spotty signal will let this post go through!
June 4, 2018 at 12:51 am
Well, at least you’ve recognized that these are lies coming from depression and you don’t want to believe it.
Rather than beating yourself for this, acknowledge that you’re doing a good job by not taking those lies for granted.
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June 5, 2018 at 7:43 am
Hey, they’re archaeologists. They’re more than happy to ‘dig’ out a stuck vehicle. Take care and enjoy your time in the wilderness.
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June 5, 2018 at 6:57 pm
❤ you nerd
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June 5, 2018 at 6:58 pm
(and you know it’s true bc i scrolled past that pic of a huge spider to post this)
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June 5, 2018 at 10:24 pm
The arachnophobia warning was at least half for your benefit 😂
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June 6, 2018 at 10:30 pm
Well if it makes you feel any better, I get my car stuck in the muddy drive often. One would think I’d have it figured out by now but one would be wrong. 😂Thanks for the honest post. I hope tomorrow is better
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June 6, 2018 at 10:30 pm
or… today. I just realized this is from a few days ago. lol
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June 6, 2018 at 10:39 pm
Haven’t gotten it stuck again yet! Thanks for the well wishes
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June 6, 2018 at 10:40 pm
Haha! 😆Good! I’m glad to hear that issue is done then. And you’re welcome. Hope you have a fun time with this job. 😊
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June 6, 2018 at 10:41 pm
I certainly am so far!
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June 8, 2018 at 7:09 am
Nice looking camp. You’re the best and depression sucks. Keep depression under your feet and let positive gestures and thoughts fill your mind.
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June 11, 2018 at 7:28 am
Ya know, I just have to say that the point you say “fucking up sucks,” I wish I could drill the rest of that line into the people around me. The smallest mistake becomes the worst thing you’ve ever done some days, and it’s something I don’t think anyone in my life is ever going to understand. Seeing that little but of validation and “me too” made my morning!
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June 11, 2018 at 7:55 am
I’m so glad you could relate! That’s a big part of why I share my experiences
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June 13, 2018 at 11:02 pm
I’m seeing this late as well, hope camp improved and you have held your depression at bay. Try a couple of dietary changes, I swear you will feel so much better. I’m not a doctor, but I weaned myself off my antidepressant using these changes and I’m never going back.
First, stop eating bread. Wheat is bad for you and causes a plethora of problems throughout your body. Second, start drinking water with a drop of lemon and/or frankincense (like those Dr Axe sells) in it every day. Try it and let me know how it helps!
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June 14, 2018 at 3:04 am
Thanks, I have felt better since I wrote this!
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June 24, 2018 at 9:15 pm
Very interesting and thought provoking. Anand Bose from Kerala
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June 24, 2018 at 9:15 pm
I’m glad you liked it!
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June 24, 2018 at 10:11 pm
Ah, yes, depression is a difficult companion. Good for you for recognizing it and taking it on. I enjoyed your post. Thanks.
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June 24, 2018 at 10:12 pm
And thank you for reading it!
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June 24, 2018 at 10:55 pm
You are one cool dude! I hope you share your depression shouts and whispers with your young charges who need to know how common such thoughts can be even for a cool guy they admire. Reading your words, “my depression told me…”, I can see a kid’s book with pictures of you and depression. Ha! Could be fun.
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June 24, 2018 at 11:07 pm
Thanks kwd! I love phrasing it that way because it emphasizes how I am not my illness, and how it’s important to recognize which thoughts are your own and which are the depression.
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June 25, 2018 at 2:01 am
Hey! Hope you are doing well. Depression can be very difficult but what you did, what with recognising the thoughts that are resulting from it and addressing them, speaks for itself. You are a fighter and that’s what matters. Have fun with the dig. An archeology camp sounds pretty cool 🙂
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June 25, 2018 at 2:45 am
Thanks Neha!
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June 27, 2018 at 6:42 pm
Well-put: listening to depression’s lies makes every situation worse.
I agree with LeeSoyer though – good for you for recognising it was the depression talking and trying not believe it.
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June 27, 2018 at 7:54 pm
Thank you!
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June 29, 2018 at 7:44 am
It takes courage to share the struggle you are in publicly!! Great job and I’m enjoying seeing how your camping experience is progressing. Thanks for sharing!!
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July 1, 2018 at 9:42 am
This touched me so much that I realized my (previously written here) long comment was a new poem which I’m gonna dedicate to this post. Thank you for inspiring me to realize I screw up again and again — and so does everyone else. Every now and then I’m surprised that I hold myself to a standard of impossible perfection. Your post gave me much needed space to breathe!
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July 1, 2018 at 12:38 pm
I’m so happy that my post inspired you! That’s the best compliment you could’ve left me, and I will certainly check out that poem of yours!
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November 26, 2019 at 2:38 pm
Hi I hope you’re feeling better now. It’s great to read that you already realised that what your mind told you isn’t true! Stay in the now in every moment and keep observing yourself and staying the witness of your thoughts/emotions/feelings, even in intense situations as the one you described in this post, it will magically turn your life around for the better 😉
I hope your having fun out there 🙂 (and thanks for the like!)
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