It’s been a few days since I published anything, and I apologize for the delay! It’s been a crazy couple of days with my family in town for graduation. I have a bit of time now, so I thought I’d see what I could come up with quickly off the top of my head, let’s see what happens!
A Stream of Consciousness
Well, shit. That sounds hard to identify, and I’ve got weak self-awareness as it is! …Or do I? Is it just that I think I have poor self-awareness and so it’s true? That would be a cognitive distortion. No, I definitely have poor self-awareness; otherwise I’d know when my thoughts are distorted and change those patterns of thinking, and I definitely can’t think of a time I was aware of my thoughts being distorted. Maybe they’re not distorted, what does this guy know anyway? He’s not in my head, he can’t know how I think! But maybe *that’s* a distorted thought. How would I know? Why can’t this be as simple as changing my medication? This cognitive distortion bullshit is hard and deeply unsettling. Just because I’m flat all the time and my feelings are blunted doesn’t mean my mind is broken, it just means the chemicals are all messed up. …Or maybe cognitive distortions are so sinister that they hide themselves by making the mind feel like it’s working just fine! Shit, that’s a downer.
“You’ve got pizza in the fridge!”
Oh shut up, stomach, nobody asked you. That was good pizza though… What was I just thinking about? Oh, yeah, distortions and whatnot. Is hunger a distorted thought? No… it comes from the stomach, not the mind. What even is the mind? It’s so abstract. Am I the mind? Is this voice in my head me, or is it my mind, or conscience, or am I just crazy? Why do all my internal voices have different sounds? Is that normal? Is having multiple different voices normal?? Do I have schizophrenia too??? Surely not… is what a cognitive distortion would say. But I would say that too… Why does my internal voice sound like it’s speaking in a giant cavern? Is that my subconscious calling me vapid? Is my subconscious bullying me? Is it the source of the distorted thoughts?? No way, sometimes it has a voice too. I wonder how many different thoughts I can think at the same time… It’s like layers, and if I concentrate hard enough I can think of four things, each clamoring to be at the forefront, but that’s impossible, it has to be layered. Each thought foggier and less concrete than the last. Is that normal? Can other people think in layers? Fuck, I think I got off topic again…
“Umm…” Yes, about a thousand. “Nope.”